is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
