its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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