You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
