I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
