Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
