When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
