Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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