i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
