He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
