I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
