The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
