a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
