Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
