I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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