WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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