why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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