I can text with my tongue
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
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Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
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And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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