He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
