hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
