It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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