Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
