I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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