I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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