Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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