yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
