I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
