..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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