Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
