Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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