Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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