I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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