Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
