i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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