Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess