my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
