A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
