my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
