I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
