I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
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And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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