You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
