You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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