**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
