Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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