yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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