Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
