Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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