I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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