My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
two words...techno handjob
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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