its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
