where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
