the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
