It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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