I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
