if i can run in heels then i can drive
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
