I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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