I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Swine flu is the new snow day.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
well, you know. whores of a feather.