there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
