How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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