Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
