I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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