hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
