I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
