when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
