I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
